Connection Comes First: Why Relationships Matter in OT

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”
— Gabor Maté

Sometimes in OT, we can get really focused on helping kids do more — regulate better, follow routines, use tools, complete tasks. All of that has value. But over time, one thing becomes really clear: kids don’t thrive because of strategies alone — they thrive when they feel safe, connected, and truly understood.

Relational therapy is all about this. It’s not a separate technique. It’s how we are with the child — the warmth in our voice, the way we slow down when they’re struggling, the care we bring when things feel hard.

Safety Before Skills

According to Polyvagal Theory (developed by Dr. Stephen Porges), our nervous systems are constantly scanning the world to answer one question: Am I safe?

When the answer is no — whether because of trauma, stress, sensory overwhelm, or even just an unpredictable environment — the brain shifts into survival mode. Kids might get loud, shut down, avoid tasks, lash out, or withdraw. Not because they’re “misbehaving,” but because their body is doing exactly what it’s meant to do when it feels unsafe.

That’s why, in OT, our presence matters as much as our plans. Before we ask kids to stretch, try, or cope, we have to help their nervous system settle. That usually starts with us — our calm, our playfulness, our patience. We call this co-regulation.

“Safety isn’t the absence of threat — it’s the presence of connection.”
— Dr. Stephen Porges

Relationship is the Real Therapy

Relational therapy is about more than being kind. It’s about tuning in.

We notice what a child might be really feeling underneath the behaviour. We pause when they’re overwhelmed. We play in ways that invite trust. We understand that some kids — especially those who are neurodivergent or who’ve been through hard things — need time, consistency, and real attunement before they can feel safe enough to grow.

“Children don’t get dysregulated in isolation — and they won’t learn to regulate in isolation either.”

Every time we offer presence over pressure, connection over correction, we’re saying: You are safe with me.

And that, over time, changes everything.

The Role of the Therapist

At Seeds OT, we don’t just work on what a child does — we focus on how they feel. We know kids don’t learn or grow when they’re anxious, shut down, or disconnected. So we start by building safety.

Sometimes that means throwing out the therapy plan for the day. Sometimes it means sitting on the floor, letting a child lead. Sometimes it means holding space for a parent’s overwhelm, too — because none of us are at our best when we feel alone in it.

Gabor Maté speaks about the importance of compassionate presence — someone who doesn’t rush to fix, but who stays, gently, while things unfold. That’s what we try to offer every child who walks through our door.