What Is Co-Regulation and Why It Matters More Than You Think

“We regulate each other. That’s just how humans work.”
— Dr. Bruce Perry

If you’ve ever been told your child needs to learn to self-regulate but weren’t sure what that really means, you’re not alone. The truth is most kids don’t just magically learn to manage their emotions or behaviour on their own, especially when they feel overwhelmed or upset.

Most kids need other people to help them get there first. That’s what co-regulation is all about. It is the warm and caring process where one person helps another feel safe, calm, and connected.

Co-regulation looks like a gentle voice when your child is upset. It can be taking a deep breath together or sitting quietly beside them when they struggle. Sometimes it means slowing down and following their lead without rushing or trying to fix things right away. These moments tell a child that they are not alone and that someone is with them.

Self-regulation is a skill that children develop over time through relationships. When a child is overwhelmed or anxious, their nervous system goes into survival mode. This might show as a meltdown, shutting down, or behaviour that seems confusing or challenging. It is important to remember that these reactions are not defiance or bad behaviour. They are the body’s way of protecting itself.

That is where you come in. Your calm and steady presence helps guide your child’s nervous system back to feeling safe and balanced. Children learn to regulate their feelings because they are regulated by the people around them.

At Seeds OT, co-regulation is a big part of our work. It is in the way we greet children, match their energy, and slow down or speed up to meet them where they are. It is in our body language, our tone of voice, our playfulness, and our willingness to stay close when things are hard. Tools and strategies can help, but none of that works without building trust and safety first.

For parents, practicing co-regulation might feel overwhelming at times. You do not need to be calm all the time. What matters is being there and reconnecting with your child after difficult moments. Simple things like breathing together, using fewer words when emotions run high, and saying something like “I see you are feeling really big feelings right now and I am here with you” can make a huge difference. Taking care of yourself is important too because your calmness helps your child feel calm.

Co-regulation is not a quick fix. It is a patient, ongoing process. But it is also one of the most powerful ways you can help your child feel safe and ready to grow. Before they can calm themselves down, they need to feel safe with someone else. That someone could be you, a teacher, a grandparent, or a therapist who truly sees them.