Demand Avoidance — Seeds Occupational Therapy

The bigger picture

Demand avoidance starts long before the meltdown

Demand avoidance is one of the things that shows up most in therapy — and most in what parents are living at home. Before we get into strategies, I want to do something that might feel counterintuitive: zoom way out.

I've been thinking about PDA — Pervasive or Pathological Demand Avoidance — on a macro level. Not just kids and families, but us as humans, and what we're demanding of the environment. The environment's lack of capacity to meet those demands. If it's happening at that scale, we can't pretend it's separate from the way we think and act as people.

If we're doing it as a species, we're doing it in our societies. If we're doing it in our societies, we're doing it in our families. And if we're doing it in our families, we're doing it with our kids — in schools, at home, at the dinner table.

That macro view has to be our starting ground. It gives us a bigger perspective, rather than jumping straight to "why is my kid so difficult?" That's not where the understanding lives.

The dynamic nobody talks about

When transactions become the whole relationship

Before we even get to strategies, we need to look honestly at what demand avoidance does to a relationship. When it becomes pervasive — when it's the whole texture of the relationship between a parent and a child — it starts to mimic something that isn't healthy for either person.

It becomes transactional. If you do this, you can have that. And in the early stages, that's pretty common. Bargaining is a natural response when you're desperate to get your child to cooperate.

But when transactions are all the relationship consists of, something gets lost. The genuine connection disappears. There's no love flowing either way. The parent is burnt out. The child feels it. Despair sets in on both sides, and it becomes a vicious cycle that's very hard to break from the inside.

How a relationship becomes a loop

Demand meets avoidance

A reasonable request — transition, food, bedtime — meets a hard refusal

↓

Bargaining begins

Parent introduces a transaction to get movement — "if you do X, you can have Y"

↓

Transactions become the default

Genuine connection starts to disappear — every interaction has a price

↓

Burnout and disconnection

Parent is exhausted. No love flowing either way. Both parties feel unloved

↓

Despair sets in

The loop tightens. The more disconnected, the harder it is to break — for either person

"When transactions are all the relationship consists of, something gets lost. The genuine connection disappears — and that's when it becomes very hard to break from the inside."

— Nisha Bal, Seeds Occupational Therapy, West Footscray Melbourne

De-escalation first

Stop feeding the fire

When this dynamic exists between a parent and child, the responsibility — unfortunately — sits more with the parent. Not because it's fair, but because we're the ones with the capacity to change it first.

The very first thing is de-escalation. Before we get to root causes or any deeper work, we have to stop feeding the fire. Like a literal fire — if we just stop adding fuel, it doesn't keep growing.

The most consistently useful tool I've found for this is scripting. Having a clear, pre-prepared script for the moments that usually spark conflict. Getting them out of bed. Brushing teeth. Transitioning between activities. Having a script for all of it.

What a script does is remove your own spontaneous reaction from the equation — because right now, your spontaneous reaction carries the weight of every previous battle. It has baggage. The script sidesteps that. It's not personal. It's just the next thing.

What feeds the fire — and what creates a firebreak

🔥 Feeds the fire

Spontaneous reactions loaded with history

Narrating the struggle out loud

Pushing past a small win too quickly

Engaging when you're already in Red Zone

Treating every refusal as a battle to win

〡

🪣 Creates a firebreak

A pre-prepared script — removed from narrative

Pausing before responding

Celebrating small wins and stopping there

Recognising your own zone before engaging

Getting physical space when you need it

Working out the right script takes time. You'll refine it. But when it starts making a dent — and it will — that's when the next step becomes important.

The small wins

Celebrate the dents — don't skip past them

Parents do this thing where they experience a small win and immediately push further. I see it all the time, and I completely understand why — these wins are such a relief. But you really don't want to do that.

Say your child agrees to try a new food. That's the win. The script worked. They said "okay, I'll try." You go get the food, bring it back, and they say "actually, I changed my mind."

That is not a loss.

The win was the willingness. The initial openness. "I'm glad you were willing to give it a go" — and you mean it. That's the whole step. You don't push past it. You celebrate it, and you let it be enough for now. You're already changing the dynamic. Don't skip past that.

"The win was the willingness. That's already impacting the child — you're making progress. Don't skip past it."

— Nisha Bal, Seeds Occupational Therapy, West Footscray Melbourne

Know yourself first

Your zone is part of the equation

The next piece is about you. I was in a difficult moment with my own child recently, and I caught myself thinking about the Zones of Regulation — and realised I was very much in the Red Zone.

Red Zone means: do not engage. That has to be a hard rule for yourself. I am not in the headspace to engage well right now. If you have the capacity to physically get some space — leave the room, go outside, take a walk — do that. If you can't, then at minimum, communicate it: "I'm not in a good place to talk about this right now."

If you're dealing with a very young child — a baby or a toddler — you can't say that to them. But you can still recognise it in yourself. At that age, distraction is a fair and legitimate tool. Distract them, or distract yourself, just enough to get the space you need. But that space has to be used — not to switch off, but to actually work through what's happening inside you. To find your way from Red back to Yellow or Green.

Where are you right now? — Zones of Regulation for parents

🔴

Red Zone — high alert

Your history is doing the talking. Reactive, flooded, emotionally loaded — every response carries the weight of previous battles. What you say from here will feed the fire.

Hard rule: do not engage. Get space first.

🟡

Yellow Zone — elevated, watchful

You're aware of your activation. You can feel the pull back into the narrative — but you're managing it. You can hold the space, even if it's not comfortable yet.

Keep watching the loop. Don't force resolution.

🟢

Green Zone — settled, present

Some space has opened up. Empathy is possible. You can see where your child is coming from, and where you've come from. You're ready to read the room — and act on what you find there.

Now you can co-regulate or throw a lifeboat.

The clarity of how to engage doesn't come from planning it ahead of time. It has to come fresh, from that settled space. That's the only way it actually works.

The ongoing work

The practice: watching the loop without feeding it

So what does this look like in practice? First: recognise that you're in the Red Zone. Second: create enough space that you're not actively feeding your own fire — the internal narrative, the frustration, the story about your child that makes everything harder.

And then — keep watching. You'll find some space, get pulled back into the narrative, find some space again, get pulled back in. That movement — that capacity to keep returning to the space, to keep not-feeding the fire — that is the practice.

It looks different for everyone. But the willingness to stay in the process is the thing. Sometimes it simply becomes: I'm calm enough to speak to my child now. I'm not invested in the battle anymore. Empathy starts to develop. You understand where they're coming from. You can actually sit down and listen.

From there, you read the room. Either your child isn't ready yet — and you wait, and you watch. Or you see a small window.

Two scenarios

Co-regulation and the lifeboat

Once you've found your space, two things can happen — and understanding which one you're in changes everything about what you do next.

Once you're settled — reading the room

Scenario one

Co-regulation

You're regulated. Your child isn't. There's nothing to fix, no conversation to have, no problem to solve right now. What's needed is simply for you to stay steady in that calm space — for them.

What it looks like

Sitting nearby without speaking
Staying slow and soft in your body
No agenda. No questions. No rush.
Your regulated nervous system does the work

Scenario two

The lifeboat

You spot a window. A small opening in the defensive wall. This is when you look for a strategic moment of connection — throwing a lifeboat that pulls them out of the internal loop keeping them closed off.

What the lifeboat looks like

Sitting quietly on the floor together
A hug, offered not demanded
"Let's go for a walk" — no agenda
A moment of warmth with no strings attached

This is where Polyvagal Theory becomes useful to understand. The lifeboat is a signal to the nervous system: here I am. You're safe. And that connection doesn't have to be a big conversation. The connection itself is the point — not the words.

This is the first post in a series on demand avoidance. Next, we'll go deeper into scripting — how to build one, what to do when it stops working, and how to adapt it as your child grows.

Key things to remember

What parents most need to know

Demand avoidance isn't just a child's issue. It exists at every scale — in families, societies, and between humans and the environment. That bigger lens changes how we respond to it.
When transactions become the whole relationship, connection disappears. Bargaining is a natural early response — but when it becomes pervasive, both parent and child feel unloved and the cycle tightens.
De-escalation comes before everything else. Before root causes, before deeper work — stop feeding the fire. A pre-prepared script removes your spontaneous, baggage-loaded reaction from the equation.
Celebrate dents, not just breakthroughs. Willingness is a win. Openness is a win. Don't push past them the moment they appear — that's where you lose ground.
Red Zone means do not engage. Knowing your own zone — and having the discipline to step back from it — is as important as any strategy you use with your child.
The practice is watching the loop without feeding it. You'll get pulled back in. That's expected. The capacity to keep returning to a settled space — again and again — is what changes things over time.
Co-regulation and connection come in different forms. Sometimes the job is to hold steady and let your regulated nervous system do the work. Sometimes it's spotting a window and throwing a lifeboat — with no agenda attached.

Closing thought

Seeing the child beneath the behaviour

When we shift the first question — from "why won't they just cooperate?" to "what does this child need right now, and am I in a place to offer it?" — something changes. We start to see a child who is stuck in a protective pattern rather than a child who is being deliberately difficult.

That shift matters more than any single strategy. It changes what we look for, what we offer, and how we respond. And over time, it changes the child's experience of themselves — from someone who always gets it wrong to someone whose needs are actually being heard.

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Common questions

PDA (Pervasive or Pathological Demand Avoidance) is a profile, often associated with autism, where a child experiences high anxiety around everyday demands and expectations. The avoidance is driven by the nervous system's threat response — not defiance or laziness. Standard reward-and-consequence strategies often make things worse, because they increase the pressure the child's nervous system is already struggling to manage.

Reward-and-consequence systems are top-down strategies — they require the thinking brain to be available and engaged. When a child is in a state of demand avoidance, their nervous system is running a protection response. The thinking brain is offline. That's why consequences feel meaningless and rewards don't motivate — the system that would respond to them isn't accessible. De-escalation and connection have to come first.

A script is a pre-prepared, low-demand phrase for a predictable trigger moment — getting up, brushing teeth, transitioning between activities. It might be as simple as "shoes time, let's go" said in a neutral, matter-of-fact tone, every single morning. The goal is to remove your spontaneous reaction from the equation, because your spontaneous reaction carries the narrative of every previous battle. A script is neutral. It sidesteps that. It takes time to get right, but when it makes a dent, you'll notice.

Co-regulation is the process by which a calm, regulated adult helps a child's nervous system move toward a safer state — without needing words, explanations or strategies. It works through proximity, tone, body language and the absence of pressure. When a parent is settled, the room becomes safer, and the child's nervous system has something to borrow from. It's not passive — it requires the parent to actually regulate first, which is often the hardest part.

PDA is a profile, not a separate diagnosis — it's most often identified within an autism assessment but can occur without an autism diagnosis. Key features include avoidance driven by anxiety rather than defiance, high sensitivity to pressure from others (including well-meaning adults), use of social strategies like distraction or negotiation to avoid demands, and significant difficulty with unpredictability. If you're concerned, a paediatric OT or psychologist can help you understand what's driving the behaviour and what strategies are most likely to help.